First off, let me apologize for the neglect. \u00a0It’s been a while since our last visit, and I’m sorry. \u00a0I take you for granted, Blog. \u00a0Assume that you will always be here, which is wrong of me. \u00a0My bad. \u00a0Seriously, what if you come down with a virus or something? \u00a0What if the NSA locks you away, and you go from all of my pleasantness to a life behind bars, and now you’re hearing about sodomy and vile prison endeavors? \u00a0What if someone makes you his bitch, or what if I have underestimated you and you make someone yours? \u00a0What if you’re not who I think you are? \u00a0What if you’re scheming against me, right this very second? \u00a0What if you’re laughing at me, judging me? \u00a0And here I am apologizing to you. \u00a0Perhaps it’s the guilt in me, injected by the catholic church. \u00a0An image of Jesus on the cross, dying for me, of all people. \u00a0Doesn’t even ask, just says, “Hey. \u00a0Asshole. \u00a0I’m dying for you. \u00a0Deal with it.” \u00a0I want to go back in time and tell him not to bother, certainly not on my account. \u00a0Who needs the burden? \u00a0But I can hear Him now: “Yeah, this crown of thorns, your fault. \u00a0These nails in my hands and in my feet? \u00a0You’re welcome. \u00a0No no, it’s okay. \u00a0I’ll take this one for the team, you just keep on sinning, that’s fine.”<\/p>\n
I want to say, “Dear Jesus, leave my dumb ass out of this. \u00a0Seriously. \u00a0What, you can’t just die like everyone else, you gotta make a spectacle of it all?”<\/p>\n
“Well, you want salvation, don’t you? \u00a0Heaven and shit like that?”<\/p>\n
“There’s gotta be a better way to heaven and shit than all of this nonsense.”<\/p>\n
“If there is, no one told me about it.”<\/p>\n
“So why didn’t you ask Him, about a better way and all?”<\/p>\n
“Who? \u00a0God? \u00a0Just between you and me, we’re on the outs.”<\/p>\n
“You’re on the outs with God?”<\/p>\n
“I’m not the first person that He’s had problems with.”<\/p>\n
“But you’re His son.”<\/p>\n
“That’s what I said, only He replied: ‘Why me?'”<\/p>\n
“God said that?”<\/p>\n
“God has said a lot of things. \u00a0Said this whole thing was a publicity stunt, an attempt to steal His thunder. \u00a0The nerve.”<\/p>\n
“He makes a good point. \u00a0Like, first there was God, and now what, he’s gotta share the stage with you? \u00a0A bit of a power grab, wouldn’t you say?”<\/p>\n
“Not a bad idea, though, right? \u00a0If not me, sooner or later somebody else would’ve had the same idea. \u00a0Imagine Mark, the son of God. \u00a0Or Timothy? \u00a0Ahmad H. Christ. \u00a0It just doesn’t ring, does it? \u00a0No. \u00a0You’re better off with me. \u00a0Jesus Horacheo Christ, eternally begotten of the Father.”<\/p>\n
“So all of this is a freaking scam? \u00a0Is that what you’re saying?”<\/p>\n
“Certainly that’s what the Jews are saying. \u00a0What? \u00a0Are you a Jew?”<\/p>\n
“No, but I’m giving it some thought.”<\/p>\n
“What about Christmas? \u00a0And eggnog? \u00a0And candy at Easter time? \u00a0There’s been some good of this, and I was going to die sooner or later anyway so why not liven it up a bit?”<\/p>\n
“I do like opening up presents, and the whole Santa coming down the chimney is fun for the kids.”<\/p>\n
“Who is stealing thunder from whom? \u00a0Seriously, that Saint Nick has been a pain in my ass since the third century.”<\/p>\n
“It’s his topnotch PR campaign.”<\/p>\n
“Yes, but what about me? \u00a0The whole life after death bit? \u00a0How does it get any better than that?”<\/p>\n
“That’s so abstract. \u00a0Whereas I can see and touch Christmas paper, can smell a Christmas tree. \u00a0You have yet to tell me what to expect in Heaven. \u00a0At least the Muslims get 72 virgins. \u00a0What am I supposed to get?”<\/p>\n
“Bliss.”<\/p>\n
“Ever eat a deep dish Chicago-style pizza with a pint of Sam Adams beer?”<\/p>\n
“Sounds wonderful.”<\/p>\n
“I know, right? \u00a0So why couldn’t you have promised something like that? \u00a0Or a blow job? \u00a0But no, all we get for a lifetime of guilt is bliss? \u00a0Jesus H. Christ. \u00a0What’s wrong with you?”<\/p>\n
“I guess that I didn’t think it all the way through. \u00a0Goddamnit!”<\/p>\n
“Ah, don’t be so hard on yourself. \u00a0I have a feeling that the people are going to love you anyway. \u00a0The water to wine bit? \u00a0Genius.”<\/p>\n
“That was a nice touch, wasn’t it?”<\/p>\n
“You just didn’t follow through with it. \u00a0Why couldn’t Heaven be a waterfall, and you’d turn that to wine?”<\/p>\n
“Christ, you think of everything. \u00a0What else?”<\/p>\n
“And it’s not 72 virgins, but 73 naked virgins, in heat. \u00a0You know, up the ante a little. \u00a0Maybe recruit a few over to your team.”<\/p>\n
“Where were you when all this was going down?”<\/p>\n
“I wasn’t yet born, Jesus. \u00a0A time machine brought me here, which is another thing that you could have promised. \u00a0Oh, and an iPhone, with unlimited minutes and texting. \u00a0People worship the shit out of their iPhones.”<\/p>\n
“Hey, Jimmy?”<\/p>\n
“It’s Jim, and what is it?”<\/p>\n
“I’m getting sleepy, Jimmy. \u00a0So sleepy.”<\/p>\n
“It’s the blood, Jesus. \u00a0So much blood.”<\/p>\n
“For you, Jimmy. \u00a0Don’t forget, I did this all for you.”<\/p>\n
“I really wish that you wouldn’t have.”<\/p>\n
So I’m sorry, Blog, for neglecting you. \u00a0I’ll try harder, promise.<\/p>\n
In the name of the Father, Ahmad, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.<\/p>\n
Huh, He’s right. \u00a0Jesus Christ is better.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
First off, let me apologize for the neglect. \u00a0It’s been a while since our last visit, and I’m sorry. \u00a0I take you for granted, Blog. \u00a0Assume that you will always be here, which is wrong of me. \u00a0My bad. \u00a0Seriously, what if you come down with a virus or something? \u00a0What if the NSA locks … Continue reading Dear Blog<\/span>