I shopped online this morning. \u00a0Looked at watches, cars, and vacation properties. \u00a0One Billon Dollars! \u00a0That’s what I stand to win should (should? \u00a0no, when) \u00a0I fill out the perfect NCAA March Madness Bracket. \u00a0That’s how much of Warren Buffet’s money is going to go from his account into mine. \u00a0So that by this time next month I’ll have One Billion two hundred and fifty six dollars in my bank account, and a contract on a new condo in Miami. \u00a0Taxes will eat up some winnings, of course, but that’s okay. \u00a0I can survive on half a Billion Dollars so long as the government puts my hard-won money to good use, which they most certainly will because now I’m an optimist (one Billions Dollars will do that to a man).<\/p>\n
Like Madonna, I’m going to sleep on this. \u00a0Right before going to bed I’m going to study the bracket and have it mostly memorized. \u00a0I’m going to keep it on the nightstand with a pen, click off the lamp, and, again like Madonna, sleep in the nude (this simplifies the act of sex, the odds of which are about the same as winning).<\/p>\n
But I’m an optimist now, remember, so yeah, after a wicked lay the winners will come to me a dream. \u00a0 (By wicked I’m talking sixty, no, fifty seconds of sweet sweet love, and fifty, no, forty seconds later of even sweeter dreams.) \u00a0The clouds will part and the angels will sing. \u00a0Moses will come forth, and instead of the Ten Commandments he’ll be carrying the perfect bracket. \u00a0Hallelujah and Amen!<\/p>\n
That’s right, bitches, I’m gonna be rich, and I’m not going to be no asshole, neither. \u00a0Hell no. \u00a0I’m gonna be one the nice rich guys with an easy-going attitude, and not no big shot with one hundred dollar tips for the bell hop or barber just to prove how rich I am and how rich they aren’t. \u00a0No, I’m going to be graceful, and donate anonymously to worthy organizations like The Bunny Ranch, The Meth Institute of America, and Rock-‘N-Roll University! \u00a0What? \u00a0There isn’t a RockU? \u00a0Well, there’s going to be when yours truly has one Billion Dollars, or about half after taxes. \u00a0Our mascot is going to be Gene Simmons of KISS, in full regalia. \u00a0Instead of basketball we’ll have competitions to see who can roll the meanest and fattest doobies. \u00a0Ten years from now the brackets won’t be about basketball but about beer bongs, with the number one seed being from where else but RockU. \u00a0We’ll sanction extreme sports and our students will major in Fun, with a minor in sex ed! \u00a0Boom! \u00a0Instead of the geek dorm or the athlete’s dorm we’ll have the Kush dorm and the naked dorm. \u00a0We’ll have awards for those with the worst attendance, the most pathetic grades, and in another five or ten years we’ll see those individuals in the White House and congress. \u00a0Another boom! \u00a0Wanna come? \u00a0Sure you do. \u00a0Just take that stick out of your ass and let’s start the paperwork. \u00a0Tuition is free, ’cause I’m stinking rich. \u00a0And if you’re thinking abut going all Twenty-One Jumpstreet on my ass and coming undercover, bring it. \u00a0You think the law can keep down a Billionaire? \u00a0Pah! \u00a0You don’t America.<\/p>\n
Okay. \u00a0Let’s see. \u00a0Number 1 Florida vs. number 16 ALBY? \u00a0Jesus, how simple. \u00a0Suck it, Moses. \u00a0Who needs ya?<\/p>\n
All right. \u00a0Number 8 Colo vs. number 9 Pitt. \u00a0Shit. \u00a0Okay. \u00a0Maybe I’ll sleep on this one. <\/span>That thing I said about sucking it, Moses? \u00a0Please disregard, because remember: I ain’t gonna be no asshole Billionaire with one hundred dollar tips or making it rain all up in the club, no sir.<\/span> So, number 5 VCU vs. number 12 SFA. \u00a0Ha. \u00a0Easy. \u00a0That’s right, suck it Moses, I’m gonna be a freaking Billionaire. \u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I shopped online this morning. \u00a0Looked at watches, cars, and vacation properties. \u00a0One Billon Dollars! \u00a0That’s what I stand to win should (should? \u00a0no, when) \u00a0I fill out the perfect NCAA March Madness Bracket. \u00a0That’s how much of Warren Buffet’s money is going to go from his account into mine. \u00a0So that by this time … Continue reading Billion Dollar Bracket<\/span>
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