My first post just happens to coincide with the Thanksgiving holiday 2013.<\/p>\n
Here is my take on the matter:<\/p>\n
I just love this time of year, \u2018tis the season for giving.
\nEverywhere we look there are people giving thanks. Giving middle fingers, and more intimately giving the clap. We give each other heartburn and are happy to do so. Want a\u00a0heart attack? My pleasure.
\nWhen did this new fad begin where we give thanks every single day in the month of November? Wish I had that much to be thankful about. I want to give thanks, but seriously, should I be thankful for these bunions? What about the hemorrhoids blister that I\u2019ve named Becky? (Oh yes I did, Becky.) And should I give thanks to my massively receding hairline?
\nNot to be a bummer, but what about the weather \u2013 global warming and melting ice caps and hurricanes and tsunamis? So thank you weather chasers, as I sit in my lounge chair laughing my ass off while you try and outrun the tornados.
\nThank you bananas. Seriously, I just ate one and it was delicious.
\nThank you head lice, for hours of entertainment popping the shit out of you.
\nNot that I\u2019ve had head lice, and I\u2019ve never had the clap, either. (Becky!)
\nThank you middle age and Vegas body shots and my stupid pierced earlobe.
\nThank you Men\u2019s magazine for showing me the body that I\u2019ll never have, and then showing me a better body the month after you promised me six-pack abs. You know what? Fuck you, Men\u2019s magazine. I hate you!
\nThank you deep breaths.
\nThank you Robin Leach, you prick, for showing me the lifestyles of the rich and famous.
\nThanks you hot tub of water and my little rubber ducky, candles and wine and masturbation. Hell, I could give an entire week of thanks to masturbation alone (Becky!).
\nThank you Dexter for killing all the people that I don\u2019t have the skill or courage to kill. But I\u2019m right there with you, strapping those assholes to tables and plunging my knife deep inside their black heartless hearts. Psst. Dexter. You do it a little too quickly. Honestly, why should killing be as quick as masturbation? How\u2019s about a little foreplay, and we can start with the middle finger of the guy who flipped me off the other day in traffic? The lady with the wicked tongue in the checkout line we cut out her tongue. You get the picture. The pervert, his prick. You get the picture.
\nThank you Toby. He\u2019s my little dog. He\u2019s cuddly and lovable, and I\u2019m quite certain that should I ever die in bed he\u2019d eat my face off.
\nThank you technology. I fucking hate you technology, but maybe if I say thanks you\u2019ll be a little kinder.
\nThank you DC politicians for our roads and the military and for allowing me to spice up my boring life while my jerkoff friends and I talk on the phone about overthrowing McDonalds. \u201cWho is this Big Mac that they wish to hold hostage?\u201d
\nThank you Ipad for allowing me to read the news without paying for a subscription, although Toby liked the newspapers better. Bad Toby!
\nThank you tradition, for turkey and stuffing and cranberries and pumpkin pie.
\nThank you bulimia.
\nThank you curser for blinking the way you do. But really, who\u2019s the sadistic techie that made you blink like that, over and over with the blinking, like some pendulum, or some guy tapping his foot waiting for an answer. Die, curser, die!
\nWait. Don\u2019t die. I feel I\u2019d be lost without you.
\nThank you leaf blower. We\u2019ve had some real good times, giving it to the leaves the way we did. Becky used to blow me like that.
\nThank you Black Friday, for all of the wonderful videos you post on the Internet. For making me feel sorry for that fat asshole who rushed to the front of the line only to be trampled by fatter assholes behind him. For the cameraman who faces the hurricane of thrifty, dopy shoppers. For the incoherent interviews, about how people had no idea that it was going to be this bad. \u201cLast year was bad, but this shit here real bad!\u201d
\nThank you bad, for being badder every year.
\nReally, I just love this time of year.
\nWhat\u2019s not to love?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My first post just happens to coincide with the Thanksgiving holiday 2013. Here is my take on the matter: I just love this time of year, \u2018tis the season for giving. Everywhere we look there are people giving thanks. Giving middle fingers, and more intimately giving the clap. We give each other heartburn and are … Continue reading Happy Thanksgiving<\/span>